WHO I AM IS NOT WHO I WAS

            I have descriptives, ways I describe myself to others. I am a horsewoman, a student of the horse. I am an educator and a facilitator. I teach people and horses. I specialize in partnership development and responsible communication. I am, I am, I am…. In simplest terms, this is my shorthand elevator speech, and it is the truth and NOT the truth simultaneously.

            I’ve been exploring who I am in my deepest, darkest corners, nauseatingly. I’m a bit sick of myself. But here’s the deal: I’ve recognized the self-imposed cage that comes with “I am.” Who I am and what I do are not the same. Who I am and what I’m feeling are not the same. The only way to find the key, open the cage, and walk out and destroy the cage is to release the habits and beliefs I’ve chained to the statement “I am.” 

            Here’s the deal, “I am” has served me, motivated me, boosted my self-confidence, and opened doors. I have worn the statement “I am a horse trainer” with pride. I’ve worn my confidence and that descriptor like a superhero’s cape. I have trained horses that others couldn’t, solved problems, built partnerships, and loved every minute. That statement has fed my ego, and I succeeded.

            As life progressed, I began using “I am” in conjunction with facilitator and educator. More capes placed upon my shoulders, worn proudly. Through my work, I reveled in the joy and adrenaline rush that came with changing people’s lives. My capes became adorned with golden embroidery and phrases starting with “I am.” I AM A FACILITATOR, I CHANGE PEOPLES LIVES FOR THE BETTER, I AM A TRAINER AND SOLVE PROBLEMS, I AM SUCCESSFUL, I AM INDESPENSIBLE. With each emboldened phrase added to each cape, the weight upon my identity and soul purpose became heavier. The capes wrapped so tightly around me that I could no longer carry them, stifled within the confines of my own making. I built the cage around me and threw away the key.

            Why, why did I do this? Upon reflection, I’ve recognized a few things. Some of this ideology came from my upbringing and the culture I grew up in. I grew up in a small town in Western Kansas where I was repeatedly asked, “What are you going to be when you grow up?” The question was singular with a hint of choosing carefully because once I decide, that’s it! College felt like a given next step, not a choice. And so, the “I am” built momentum, becoming my identity and eventually a strength overused.

            Time flies by, and today, I find myself in a place I never expected or predicted, unwinding and removing the capes of “I am.” In this place of release and reinvention, I find myself creating some changes in habit and action. Instead of “I am,” I’m beginning to differentiate between who I am, what I feel, and what I do—shifting from stagnant nouns to vibrant verbs. Invigorating my soul by moving from who I’ve been to how I want to experience life. No more use of the phrase “I am a horse trainer, a people trainer, a facilitator, and an educator.” Now, I practice embodying my curiosity about how horses learn, what people can discover about themselves through horses, what questions I can ask in the role of facilitator to serve others, and how I can utilize my knowledge and skills to continue learning AND pass on my knowledge and skills.

            When I glimpse in the mirror and look into my eyes, I see glimmers of my younger self. I see that little girl thundering across the ground on my pony, arms spread wide and joyfully laughing into the universe. I had no care in the world, and it didn’t matter who I was; it mattered how I felt. It mattered that I was learning new things, falling and getting back up and on. This is who “I am,” that fierce little warrior of joy-seeking adventure. I gradually lost that connection, one grain of sand at a time. I have reclaimed my relationship with her, with my authentic self, and choose to embrace my curiosity and desire to discover new things and new learning. I choose to gallop across the plains, arms thrown wide and laughing with the universe. 

            Today, I invite you to join me in letting go of “I am” and reconnect with yourself, your inner child, and joy through the eyes of a horse. The ever-present and unconditional acceptance and connection in a present state of being with a horse can be life-changing.

             So, contact me if you’d like to go on this journey and experience self-discovery through the horses. After all, there’s nothing like the gift of unconditional acceptance and connection through the eyes of a horse. Go to my contact page and reach out. I cannot wait to share horses and curiosity with you!

Cathy