Uncategorized – Cathy Huddleston

WHO I AM IS NOT WHO I WAS

I have descriptives, ways I describe myself to others. I am a horsewoman, a student of the horse. I am an educator and a facilitator. I teach people and horses. I specialize in partnership development and responsible communication. I am, I am, I am…. In simplest terms, this is my shorthand elevator speech, and it is the truth and NOT the truth simultaneously.

First Pony, Franco
the 90’s
Tarrens Amigo and Cathy
Cleo
Cathy Huddleston

I’ve been exploring who I am in my deepest, darkest corners, nauseatingly. I’m a bit sick of myself. But here’s the deal: I’ve recognized the self-imposed cage that comes with “I am.” Who I am and what I do are not the same. Who I am and what I’m feeling are not the same. The only way to find the key, open the cage, and walk out and destroy the cage is to release the habits and beliefs I’ve chained to the statement “I am.”

Here’s the deal, “I am” has served me, motivated me, boosted my self-confidence, and opened doors. I have worn the statement “I am a horse trainer” with pride. I’ve worn my confidence and that descriptor like a superhero’s cape. I have trained horses that others couldn’t, solved problems, built partnerships, and loved every minute. That statement has fed my ego, and I succeeded.

As life progressed, I began using “I am” in conjunction with facilitator and educator. More capes placed upon my shoulders, worn proudly. Through my work, I reveled in the joy and adrenaline rush that came with changing people’s lives. My capes became adorned with golden embroidery and phrases starting with “I am.” I AM A FACILITATOR, I CHANGE PEOPLES LIVES FOR THE BETTER, I AM A TRAINER AND SOLVE PROBLEMS, I AM SUCCESSFUL, I AM INDESPENSIBLE. With each emboldened phrase added to each cape, the weight upon my identity and soul purpose became heavier. The capes wrapped so tightly around me that I could no longer carry them, stifled within the confines of my own making. I built the cage around me and threw away the key.

Why, why did I do this? Upon reflection, I’ve recognized a few things. Some of this ideology came from my upbringing and the culture I grew up in. I grew up in a small town in Western Kansas where I was repeatedly asked, “What are you going to be when you grow up?” The question was singular with a hint of choosing carefully because once I decide, that’s it! College felt like a given next step, not a choice. And so, the “I am” built momentum, becoming my identity and eventually a strength overused.

Time flies by, and today, I find myself in a place I never expected or predicted, unwinding and removing the capes of “I am.” In this place of release and reinvention, I find myself creating some changes in habit and action. Instead of “I am,” I’m beginning to differentiate between who I am, what I feel, and what I do—shifting from stagnant nouns to vibrant verbs. Invigorating my soul by moving from who I’ve been to how I want to experience life. No more use of the phrase “I am a horse trainer, a people trainer, a facilitator, and an educator.” Now, I practice embodying my curiosity about how horses learn, what people can discover about themselves through horses, what questions I can ask in the role of facilitator to serve others, and how I can utilize my knowledge and skills to continue learning AND pass on my knowledge and skills.

When I glimpse in the mirror and look into my eyes, I see glimmers of my younger self. I see that little girl thundering across the ground on my pony, arms spread wide and joyfully laughing into the universe. I had no care in the world, and it didn’t matter who I was; it mattered how I felt. It mattered that I was learning new things, falling and getting back up and on. This is who “I am,” that fierce little warrior of joy-seeking adventure. I gradually lost that connection, one grain of sand at a time. I have reclaimed my relationship with her, with my authentic self, and choose to embrace my curiosity and desire to discover new things and new learning. I choose to gallop across the plains, arms thrown wide and laughing with the universe.

Today, I invite you to join me in letting go of “I am” and reconnect with yourself, your inner child, and joy through the eyes of a horse. The ever-present and unconditional acceptance and connection in a present state of being with a horse can be life-changing.

So, contact me if you’d like to go on this journey and experience self-discovery through the horses. After all, there’s nothing like the gift of unconditional acceptance and connection through the eyes of a horse. Go to my contact page and reach out. I cannot wait to share horses and curiosity with you!

Cathy

OUR LAST GOODBYE

I arrived at Andi’s and our first conversation after everyone left was this…

Andi: “Do you know what’s happening with me?”

Me: “Yes”

Andi: “Say it”

Me: “You’re dying”

We shed tears aplenty and our last days together began.

What do you say to your friend when you know her end is near? I pondered this leading up to my arrival. We spoke on the phone, and I knew her diagnoses upon first discovery of the cancer. We talked frequently through the entire diagnoses and treatment process. My amazing and headstrong friend preferred to process out loud and we were good at that together. I could offer a different perspective, and challenge her thought process, always from a place of love and supporting her highest good. Now, don’t get me wrong, I did not always agree with her choice, however, I respected her choice as it was her body and her journey.

I listened as treatment went from working exceptionally well, to not working at all. I listened as she decided that she wanted to live and intentionally narrowed her focus laser-like on to said goal. In the end, the cancer defeated her body in mere months. Ovarian cancer is a wicked insidious beast of destruction and devastation! Throughout the process my friend chose her journey based on her given options, and those moments we spent together near the end were gut wrenching and heartbreakingly beautiful…

I, like her other close friends and family, took my turn showing up and taking care of her. I mean this in the literal sense as I cooked for her, medicated her, kept her slushy full, helped her to the bathroom, drained the fluid off her abdomen daily, the list goes on. And, as important as the physical care was, more importantly I helped her process. I will carry many of our conversations throughout the years in my heart, quietly wrapped in a golden box, deep within my heart space, where those special moments live; Inside a box that only I have the key to. Lessons, laughter, shared sparks of wisdom through facilitation, horses, dogs, cats, a goat and including all the glorious moments of joy and laughter to conflict and disagreement…the entirety of our friendship held in images and feelings reminisced. We learned so much together and from one another, and I will miss our mutually supported growth so very much.

I’d like to share a few things from those last few weeks together. Andi allowed us to share with her community the end was near. The response from that community of people whose lives she had touched was truly profound. There were several people that she asked me to call and tell in person, conversations that I experienced as the bearer of sad news that in turn filled me with a deeper appreciation and understanding of her profound impact. So very many people sent written messages I had the privilege of reading to her, person after person who wanted to say thank you for a spark of awareness that led to an experience, empowering them to create change and better their lives. I read message after message, each filling me with a new respect for not only my friend, but also for the belief that we can each help those who come to us in our own unique way. I too, through a facilitated experience, can help shift a perspective and empower someone through experience with my gifts and it matters. I watched my friend stand in her power and purpose as she continued to impact and teach all of us to the very end. And for that I am forever grateful.

I’d also like to share from our mutual love of the horses. We connected over horses in Arizona so many years ago, and that love of horses held us in one another’s lives. We owned horses together, we cared for one another’s horses, we shared learning about and from the horses, and we disagreed on many levels around the horses. All in all, it was a well-rounded relationship! Some of my horses became hers and some of hers became mine. I cannot tell you how many conversations revolved around horses over the years, but every single discussion included a horse something.

The last day I was there with her was the day she decided to go out and see her horses one last time. The weather that afternoon was beautiful. Getting her to the barn involved three of us for support, a wheelchair, a vehicle, and another human to get horses up and in to stalls. Andi sat in her wheelchair in the aisle of the barn, and I brought each of her beloved horses to her one by one. Each horse in an order decided for us by the horses. Every single horse was gentle beyond belief. Some nuzzled her, breathed in the top of her head, several played with her blanket gently, and each quietly shared a profound moment of connection and love with her. I facilitated this experience with the horses, like I have so many times before, and will continue to do so in my lifetime, after all it’s a part of my calling and purpose. The last horse to say goodbye was the first horse we created together, the first mare born to our combined herd, and it was so very fitting to end with her. The goodbyes to her herd represented the truest version of our friendship and how we showed up for one another. It was not sad for me; it was honest and honoring of all that we as a collective were and are. A herd, both horse and human, honoring the ending of a beloved member and saying goodbye.

Andi crossed the rainbow bridge within a few weeks of that moment. On the other side of the bridge, I believe she was welcomed and embraced by all the four legged’s she’d loved and who crossed before her. Some might say our world is greyer without her in it, but I say our world is so much brighter by the light she brought to so many lives.

I catch myself wanting to call her and share something that occurred with my horses or a client, to debrief an experience, or just catch up…. And then I remember there’s no one to answer. Instead, I reflect on the moments of leading each horse up to her for that last goodbye, and then I open that golden heart-shaped box and retrieve a brighter memory, a memory I savor and gently place back in its place. I will forever miss you my friend and say “thank you” for every moment we shared … good, bad, or in between, and especially for allowing me the honor to be a part of your last goodbye. May the horse ancestors welcome you with a thunderous roar of their hooves, a gentle breathy nicker, and a nuzzle from each whiskered muzzle.

As Andi would often say, “How we do anything is how we do everything” and you my friend did it your way. I miss you….

Cathy

THE PAUSE IS MORE THAN OKAY… IT’S NECESSARY

Recently, I had the privilege of discussing our veteran’s program with someone new. This was very eye-opening for me in how people perceive and assume what EFL or Equine Facilitated Learning programs do. This person trained in an EFL format that I am not familiar with, but I thought we’d have a field of study derived like-language. Throughout our conversation, I heard verbiage about adding facilitation here and there to support our participants better. Here’s the thing though, I don’t think people always understand the very intentional design and pacing of the equine programming I’ve developed for Michael’s Foundation.

First, I’d like to address the idea of facilitation. Facilitation of EFL is often perceived exclusively as an action. Providing insight or facilitating experiences with the intention of creating an outcome. This is true, but not the entire story; we design experiences and formulate questions to encourage the participant to promote an insight with a specific purpose or outcome. We depend on our training and skills to ensure participant outcomes that serve the client’s goals. A key factor being the definition of the word client or participant.

So, I’d like to compare facilitation to horse training. Both are areas I’ve spent years, even decades studying and practicing. As a horse trainer who strives to build relationship and independent cooperative thinking in my horses, I embrace softness. I prefer a horse who responds to a cue or request at a whisper; that is my goal when training. This means I must be able to “hear” the horse respond at the softest volume possible, like a breath of pressure against the rib cage, influencing the horse to shift away in response. My job is to release the pressure and provide a message that the answer is correct by the stimulus being removed. In training terms, we refer to this as the release, and the quicker the release, the softer and more responsive the horse becomes. There is a crucial piece left out of this described scenario, and that is the processing time needed by the horse. I call this the pause. Great trainers live by the pause. The pause is provided for the horse’s benefit to process what occurred. This, in all forms, is learning. It is a lightbulb moment, strung into many lightbulb moments, creating illumination and a well-trained horse.

To date, I have seen a variety of training programs that focus on busy horses and busy riding. One belief is that the rider should always be riding or giving the horse information. There is a difference between being busy and having a dialogue with the horse. An active rider converses with the horse continually, including listening to the horse through our physical body. A rider in dialogue with their horse pauses by listening quietly, not adding stimulus, and allowing the horse time to process. Busy creates reactive behavior to stimulus, and one might even call some reactions triggers. I prefer a horse that responds, a horse taught to think and process the message then choose a response. A horse that responds quickly at the highest level of performance. This requires a horse to be in a solid partnership, with a rider beyond consistent in developing like-language with their equine partner through dialogue.

Maybe it’s easier to think of it as dancing. The lead dancer does not fling and yank the partner to and fro… They gently and subtly direct the movements in time to the music with their unique style and timing. Learned responses created through the development of a like language to music, or dancing. Dancing with a partner includes the pause, allowing time to process and build a like-language. Dancing with a human partner or equine partner flows like waves of energy rhythmically unfolding thru partnered like-language. Some of the most breathtaking moments come within and through the pause.

What does this have to do with our veteran’s equine program, you ask? Well, it has everything to do with how our program’s pacing occurs by allowing the pause. We intend to provide an environment for our participants to experience the pause in a safe space with horses and nature. We remove the busy, engage the relationship component, and allow each participant to embody their own unique pause. Thus, empowering them to learn how to respond instead of reacting. This is a crucial foundational component by design. Our goal at Michael’s Foundation is long-term and intended to help build community while veterans are learning to better adapt to civilian life. This cannot be done without the pause; time, space, and learning enable all to evolve out of reaction and adopt the ever-changing and empowering tool of responding. Here, we teach that foundationally through the wisdom and experiences with horses.

Gratitude

I have been exposed to the word gratitude everywhere lately. Be grateful, write a gratitude journal, and so on and so forth. I believed that I practiced gratitude, but lately I have been re-examining the idea of gratitude versus simply being grateful. Is it a practice and what does that mean? Is gratitude simply being thankful? Is gratitude and grateful the same thing? So many questions…

According to the webster dictionary gratitude: “is the quality of being thankful or the readiness to show appreciation for and to return kindness.” The difference, I suppose, between gratitude and grateful is that grateful is a feeling and gratitude is an action. So, I started looking around my world to explore this idea. My world is filled with dogs and horses, so that is where I began.

My Bella pup is a rescue dog. She came from a situation where she lived with more than a dozen dogs. Rather unexpectedly she lost one of her people and the other was struggling with devastating health issues. The result was rehoming the pack. My Bella was maybe a year old when I got her and one of the very last to be rehomed. Being a true Doberman, she is extremely sensitive. It has taken her over a year to really settle in with Cali and me. Connecting with Cali was much quicker than with me. One of the things that was apparent when I picked her up was that she was under weight. However, since coming to me, she has never missed a meal. But, during this exploration of gratitude I realized something very cool. Every day after Bella has eaten, she finds me and says thank you in her special way. Every single time she is fed she demonstrates gratitude joyfully by finding me and licking me. It is an action that she takes twice daily, and that action has never faltered. This occurs after she eats her meal, not before, she is not begging or manipulating me to feed her. It happens after she has eaten, and she practices the action of gratitude.

So, I began wondering if and how horses show gratitude. As I meandered around each of the horses while doing regular things like feeding, grooming, fly spray, or skin allergy treatments, I began to look closer at the interactions. When it comes to feed time, the horses expect to be fed. However, as I was treating skin allergies, I noticed something. One of the mares used to be notorious for not being caught, even with grain or treats. As a broodmare I do not blame her as catching usually meant shots, or palpations (think OBGYN exam), or other invasive procedures. Here is the deal, when I go out to treat her skin allergies, she comes to me. She stands quietly leaning into me ever so slightly. Her eyes will gently soften and close halfway as her head lowers a bit and her breathing softens. She stops moving her feet, she places her trust in me by closing her eyes, and she stands there by choice allowing me to treat her. She does not leave once I am done; she stays and invites more touch through touching me. She is showing me gratitude through connection. It is an action, different than Bella’s, but the action of gratitude all the same. My discovery…connection can be an act of gratitude.

For me, the action of gratitude has been overshadowed by my feeling of gratefulness. I thought I had been practicing gratitude, but mostly I have not. So, I have shifted some things to begin to practice gratitude. First, I have started acknowledging the gratitude shown me. I have softened my response and my heart. Interestingly, I know when this is occurring by how my eyes soften, and I feel the smile lines around them. My heart seems to get lighter and expand, while at the same time giving me the feeling of gratefulness. Secondly, I have started reaching out and sharing the impact people are having on me. I have sent authors notes of appreciation like Jennifer Pastiloff who wrote “On Being Human”, so frickin’ good. The show runner for one of my favorite TV shows of late that has been providing much needed representation. Author and storyteller Dr. Clarissa Pinkola Estes. Honestly, too many to name and the list is growing. Now, sceptics will say that some will never receive the notes or even know about them, so why bother? Well, the thing is that I am not doing it for them, really. I hope they do get the notes and feel acknowledged, honored, and appreciated for their work and contribution. They have impacted me in beautifully devastating, and soulful ways. Moments where I have felt less alone or seen because others have had similar thoughts or experiences in life. The act of sending these messages is really for me, and I have given myself permission to practice gratitude through my words, which feels awesome!

I have had a hard time over the years receiving people’s gratitude. Often, I have deflected it or reflected it back onto them. Stating things like, “You did the work” and “you were ready to hear or feel what was offered in that moment”. The truth is that I felt uncomfortable receiving, and that probably came across in many ways I did not intend. The awareness I have around this now is that it was possibly disrespectful of me not to receive and certainly not balanced energetically. It takes effort and courage to express gratitude and deserves to be received, even reciprocated when possible. Gratitude in its highest form can be a beautiful exchange between beings. My Bella and the horses are teaching me how to be more present while experiencing gratitude. So, to all who read this I say thank you, thank you for taking the time to read my words. May you feel the gratitude I send through the universe to each one of you. And, as we transition into this next chapter in our communities, no matter the outcome of our elections. May we each begin to come together and not only explore the areas we are grateful for in our own lives … may we all begin to deepen our practice of gratitude toward one another. May each of us look around and not only see the hungry but feed the hungry. May we offer a hand up, help our neighbor, pay it forward in a drive through or coffee shop. Eventually we will be able to gather again and through the practice of gratitude, may we become a humane, accepting, supportive, and loving community.

Cathy

ALONE

Recently I had a REALLY hard day. Everything came crashing down and I could no longer hold life up on my shoulders; I collapsed emotionally onto the floor in a heap of tears and sobs. All day long I could not keep it together, I couldn’t even find the end of the rope to start the process of climbing… I’d like to say I gave in to the message, but I didn’t. I fought it, gave it the finger, and no matter what, I kept getting knocked on my ass by waves of emotion and release!

I’ve supported others thru the process of understanding and embracing the gifted guidance of emotion. I not only teach emotion as information; I practice emotion as information. I know the ebb and flow of emotion. I know emotion brings messages that provide valuable information for us. I know emotion is the driving force behind our decisions. I know that we attach meaning to situations and experiences based on our feelings/emotions. I know baggage from experiences can get attached to our psyche through emotion instead of learning. I’ve spent decades exploring, reading, researching, learning, teaching, and growing through the process of understanding and embracing emotion. I have done this in a variety of ways, but my go to has always been the horses for understanding and teaching emotion as information. I could not see the forest for the trees; I could not get my head above water; I was on the ground, in the rising dust of thousands of horse’s hooves with no ability to stand and find my way out.

As I sit here with my dogs and horses exploring my experience, with the ability to look back from the other side on those moments… The thing that keeps coming to mind is an image of a horse standing alone in a pasture. From a distance he seems fine, grazing there by himself. But, upon closer inspection, we see a sad horse in isolation. A horse with no other of his kind nearby. A sentient being whose species is designed to live together in family groups and herds. The very makeup of a horse’s DNA is to be with others of their kind for both survival and companionship. I have known practically my entire life that a horse alone is a miserable horse. Through my education I’ve come to understand why that means. It is written in their DNA to be together. It is the makeup of their social system. Even young bachelor stallions in the wild join in bachelor bands until they acquire their own family herd.

We humans have done many things for our convenience to horses. One of the cruelest of those things is isolation. It is not unusual for breeders, owners, and trainers to isolate a horse “for his/her own protection”. This translates to the horse being of perceived high value, a show horse, or an owner who doesn’t want any veterinary bills. The latter will occur whether we like it or not. I’ve seen this practiced at many levels; being turned out in a paddock alone, hand walked, turned out in the arena alone and chased around, and even stalled continuously except when being ridden. These are all accepted practices in the horse industry and done so with good intention. Unfortunately, there is often a consequence for human needs and perceptions placed higher than the naturally occurring needs and drives of the horses themselves. Stomach ulcers are one such issue and occurring with such a high prevalence, that it has become common practice to feed ulcer prevention medication daily. By the way, there is a negative consequence for long term use of any medication including this kind. Few horses cope with these practices well on their own. Coping behaviors develop like weaving and cribbing; solutions for these behaviors are pain inducing deterrents like cribbing straps. But seldom is a change in “keeping strategy” tried. This all adds up to unhappy, unhealthy horses.

What does this have to do with me? Well, on this side of my turmoil, I’m recognizing through the above lessons with horses, that I’ve been doing the exact same thing to myself! I have been keeping myself in a stall and not turned out with others of my kind. I’ve been doing this far longer than just during quarantine. I was in a long-distance relationship from fall 2016 to around fall 2019. Both of us had demanding responsibilities, and we lived a plane ride apart. Me on horse properties in the Midwest and Florida and her in NYC. We not only lived in vastly different places, but also lived quite different lives. Our schedules meant we were lucky to see one another once a month and often longer. Honestly, I think my relationship was with a voice on the phone. The consequence for this choice in relationship meant more time alone. I still engaged with people at work or socialized some with friends, but mostly stayed home and connected via the phone to my girl. During this relationship, I thought we were building toward a life together, clearly, we were not. The habit of being at home alone continued through my breakup and habitually into the pandemic. And then I found myself spun out. The gift of this epic collapse and break down is being able to see the forest for the trees again. Humans, like horses, are designed to be together. It is in our DNA to live in family groups and communities. This has been passed down for generations and is a part of our survival mechanism. It is also a part of our social system. Being together with others includes things like energetic engagement, eye contact, and even touch. The ability to give and receive a hug, you know, the heart to heart pause and embrace breathe one another in kind of hug, can be necessity with those we care for. The components of healthy human connection have been missing from my life, and it is causing coping behaviors to resurface. I spent a month having a glass of wine or two or even three every night. My OCD behaviors have surfaced, and I catch them after beginning to do them instead of at the thought point. I have a shorter fuse and am quicker to anger. I have dipped my toe many times into apathy. I have binge watched some unusual and cool shows to shut out the world. I have tried numerous meditation practices to fight the constant chatter in my brain. The list goes on and on.

I recognize the things that I have been craving, I have not wanted to acknowledge to myself. I am single and alone and isolated. I miss engaging with other humans in a present state in the same physical space. I miss the gentle touch of a partner caressing my skin. I miss the soft supple lips of a woman kissing me. I miss morning coffee with another human. I miss sharing stories and laughter over a meal. I miss disagreements and making up. I have missed these things for many years now, with just a weekend taste here and there. Honestly, the real isolation has occurred in my heart. Somewhere along the way I locked my heart in a stall and wouldn’t let her out to play with others. I experienced pain and loss so many times and in so many ways that I shut her away to protect her. In doing so, I caused more damage to me.

My little, ok not so little breakdown was a gift to me, albeit wrapped in a dark downward spiral that shattered me into pieces. When I started to begin the repairs, I discovered the truth of my “alone”. It is a prison of my own creation. It is also a prison I have the key to, so I have chosen to unlock and open the door. I let my heart out of her cage. I know what she needs and that’s authentic connection. It’s always been easy to allow love in from my 4 leggeds and gift it right back to them. The challenge has been with 2 leggeds. I have struggled with why I have chosen so many partners who were emotionally unavailable and the answer is because I have been emotionally unavailable!

So, today I walk through life with a rose quartz colored heart seeking another to match mine. I open my heart to receiving. I celebrate tribe and family, and the knowledge that eventually, I will be with other humans again, without masks and social distancing. I’m open to being with, truly being with another person in a primary romantic relationship that includes building a life together, in whatever way we decide fits us (I’m still not traditional), and I look forward to being with others of my kind, sharing life, laughter, stories… and LOVE…

Hardened Heart?

It has been an intriguing time quarantining during this pandemic. I have had quality time with myself… everywhere I go there I am. The conversations have become monotonous, drab, even repentant and mournful. I have read an array of books. Currently, I am reading several about women warriors, feminine mythology, and Toltec teachings. I am also listening to Clarissa Pinkola Estes, Ph.D., and watching a new horse training series out of Europe. What else… oh, I have cried and wept out of the blue, researched prejudice and systemic racism, delved into my own bias and learned behavior, and took a few naps.

In the middle of all of this, I have discovered some things about myself. One of these things is that I have a hardened shell around my heart. At first, I thought it was a solid shell, like steel or platinum. That is not accurate, it can be permeable and pliable. I know this because when my pup smiles at me and makes eye contact, I can feel my heart lighten and expand. It feels as though my heart takes a deep soft breath, and a smile rises from the expansion as it fills my cheeks and eyes with happiness. Or, when my mare leans into my hand with her body and gently breaths me in with her eyes half-closed. These moments are visceral reminders of the loving resonance I share with these beautiful sentient beings.

Let’s talk about humans. I experience an expansion of my heart when I teach or facilitate people. I often do my work with people through horses and the lessons I have acquired from horses. The work is with people, and the resonance occurs with those people, and my heart feels overflowing in that environment. I am fulfilling my purpose and passion while supporting others in growth and healing, and that feels good from the inside out. I can hold space for them, share my experiences and learning, be vulnerable, shed a tear, and listen with a depth of focus and attention that blurs the world around us. I feel deeply, and the feelings are broad strokes of vibrantly colored emotion dancing through empathy and caring. That heart beating inside my beautiful being is ever-present and expanding.

The hardening seems to be with romantic or intimate partners. I have discovered that the permeable bubble shield around my heart turns to a solid. As I reflect on my past relationships, I can see a pattern. With each partner, I have opened my heart, lowered my shield, thinned the veil of protection, and allowed them to enter my heart. With each occurrence of joining my heart with someone, I have also experienced levels of pain and sorrow—disappointment in outcomes. The tearing apart of hearts and lives for varied reasons has left my heart broken with jagged, sharp edges slashing my soul. The deep red blood has pooled at the base of my heart space where it thickened and became sludge. The pain and disappointment of broken dreams, the sadness and grief that has accompanied the devastation, the mourning of said loss has come with pain and crocodile tears. Early on, my heart opened easily to romance and love. With each passing loss of intimacy, my heart became less permeable. Once light showed through and refracted all the rainbow’s glorious colors; now my heart casts shadows that are dark and cold like the depth of winter during an arctic blast in Calgary. The effort it has taken to warm and soften my heart in my most recent relationships has been challenging and fleeting. I have found my way to opening only to have it frozen and shattered yet again.

Here is the truth of my heartfelt enlightenment. This did not happen to me, I created it. My heart did not come with a handbook or directions. I have looked inside, and there are no instructions carved into my heart, or on the walls of my heart space. There is no loudspeaker calling out to me with the next steps. I must figure it out. None of this has happened TO me, I have defined and chosen my emotion, or lack thereof in each situation and ending. I decided to compartmentalize the painful arguments. I opted to shift to hardened inflexible neutrality when conflict and emotion escalated with my partners. I dropped my internal temperature to a state of frigidity that forced the shattering of my heart. I stopped the fluidity of emotion running through my being. I allowed myself to bleed out and become stagnant.

Why? Why did I make these choices? Quite simply, I did not have the tools or understanding to choose differently at the time. With each new foray into pain and discourse, I turned away instead of facing it head-on. I honestly thought I was creating better coping tools. Instead, I was destroying myself from the inside out. I get to own my choices and the role I played in the destruction of each relationship. There have been times when I have pointed my finger at the other person and refused to own any of our implosion resulting in the end. It could be called a childish or selfish response. However, I simply did not know how to do it differently.

Today I have a new awareness. I see the balance in my emotion. The depths of pain and despair that I can touch is balanced by the depth of love I can experience and gift to another. For example, my father has been gone half my life, and the cavernous grief I can still access today when I reminisce about our time together is unending. I know that I loved him as deeply as it hurts. As painful as that can feel, I would not trade a single moment or memory to lighten the load.

So now, I choose to shift my perspective of LOVE and loving another. I choose to embrace the softening and opening of my heart. The last blog I wrote was embracing Love as the reason. Today I choose to embody that concept. I know with each new awareness; I open the door to possibility. I open the door to expansion. I open the door to vulnerability. I open the door to both pleasure AND pain. There just cannot be one without the other. I want the experience of loving another as deeply as it might hurt. I am choosing to focus on love instead of pain and disappointment. I believe that I will be a better partner, spouse, and lover because of this shift.

I choose love. I choose acceptance. I choose me, and in doing so, in genuinely loving myself, I open the door to loving another in ways I have only dreamed of. What I have to offer through my soft open heart is a love that bridges time and space. A love that can change the world. What we focus on we create, and it is time for me to soften the shell and focus on giving AND receiving LOVE.

What if Love really can conquer all…

I am going to admit something; for many years, I have not fully believed in Love. I have questioned and doubted the power of Love. In relationships, I have openly stated that Love could not conquer all. I believed that there had to be more than “just love”. I am not sure where I began the shift away from Love in all her glory, but I did none the less.

When I was a kid, I deeply LOVED my animal friends, especially my dogs and horses. I spent all my time with them, and we adventured together. I was fearless with the horses and loved every minute of it. I rode them, hung out with them, even had conversations with them, and there was almost always a dog by my side. I even had a dog that would jump up on the saddle and ride with me. I have never lost or questioned my Love for the 4 legged’s, just with humans.

As a teen I dated, but nothing compared to my horse time. Maybe if some of them had been “horsemen” it might have been different, maybe not. I just remember that going to horse shows was more important than dates. I worked my dating life around my horse time and horse shows.

In my 20’s, I entered the horse world as a professional trainer. I experienced conflicting worlds when I began exploring relationships as an adult. I dated plenty of people during this time; some I loved deeply, some I just liked, some were great lessons in what I did not want in a relationship, I broke some hearts, and I had my heart broken. As time marched on, I began to embrace the limiting belief that Love could not conquer all, Love was just not enough.

On the other hand, I have always been present and supported others in their relationships. I listen, I offer a perspective that supports them when asked, I encourage patience, and I suggest that Love of one another can be reason enough to find the other side of pain and conflict. Unfortunately, I did not believe that to be true for me. In one of my relationships, when it came crashing down, she shared with me that she had always believed our Love could conquer all. She said that she believed we could get through anything because of our Love, and I stated that there had to be more than just love. I broke her heart, and in truth, I had been breaking my own for years.

Recently I started a class on Conscious Transformation, and the question was posed, “What limiting beliefs do you hold? What might your life look like if you let go of that belief?”.

For 24 hours, I danced around limiting beliefs that I have dealt with for years; I am not worthy, I have to pay my dues first. I was avoiding the big one, that Love can conquer all. What if Love is the source, the why? What would it mean if Love could conquer all? What might my world look like if this were true? What might be possible?

It hit me like a fully loaded semi-truck and trailer barreling down the highway at 75 mph, and I was the little bug that splattered all over the windshield! I had withheld the gift of Love, not only from others but from myself. Everywhere I have been looking to help heal myself and grow has been telling me, in a multitude of ways, that I need to open and soften my heart. I just could not see the forest for the trees, until I could. Now I am amazed at the variety and depth of the shades of green in that forest as I begin to see again.

So, this year I started with myself, and through my therapist and tons of books, became open to the idea of loving myself. First, I began to embrace my soul, my gifts, my differences as positive needed attributes; I began to embrace my passion and purpose with horses in an expanded way. I gave myself permission to mourn, to really grieve the horses I had loved and lost in my life. In doing so, I began to soften and build a stronger relationship with my current horse. We were missing that core heart connection because of me. Through listening to Clarissa Pinkola Estes Ph.D., I experienced an epiphany, that my body is my consort. Forehead slap! Everything I am, I do, I feel, I experience, is done THROUGH my body! The importance of treating her with Love and compassion unconditionally and unapologetically suddenly became a necessity, not a choice. And finally, I find myself at this juncture; Embracing the idea that Love of self and others is the only way…

If Love were my reason, what would that mean to self and others?

I will be there in the hard times because of love.

I will rest and rejuvenate because of love.

I will laugh because of love.

I will dance because of love.

I will cry because of love.

I will listen more because of love.

I will try harder because of love.

I will stand taller because of love.

When the going gets tough, I will soften and become flexible and pliable because of Love.

I will give of my heart without expectation because of Love.

I will forgive because of Love.

I will rise and protect those who need me because of Love.

I will reach out my hand to help others because of Love.

I will be present and witness because of Love.

And when the time comes, I will leave this world a better place than when I arrived, because of Love.

Today, I acknowledge the possibility that Love might truly be the way and why. Through Love, maybe anything IS possible. With a loving heart leading the way, my journey has already become brighter and clearer. I do not know what the future holds for me, but I do know that Love will lead me forward into a higher calling and contribution.

Today I choose to love unconditionally, and I know I will have to focus on this action indefinitely because LOVE is a verb. I will be tested, challenged, questioned; If I continue to return to the belief that Love comes first, then maybe, Love really can conquer all.

I HAD TO COVER MY MIRROR TO SEE MYSELF

About a month ago, I chose to completely cover my mirror. I covered it with quotes that spoke to me, poems about horses, and authentic nature. I included phrases that supported me in owning my voice and my authentic truth. There were pictures of me at 2 and 3 yrs., with my first pony Franco. Images of me teaching and smiling, smiling from my soul as I walked my path and lived my passion. Words that I wrote by hand in black marker, “Today I choose ME, Tomorrow I choose ME, Forevermore I choose ME”; I wrote those words to remind me of the importance, the necessity, and the value of choice. The choice to own my entire truth, my soul, my heart, my being at the molecular level.

In the last month, I have experienced myself in ways I had forgotten. I remembered how it felt to be living my purpose and my passion. Every day I looked at the photos of myself as a child with Franco, and each day I saw that little girl a bit more clearly. At first, I saw a girl with her horse, dragging him around his enclosure. Soon I saw the soulful joy in a child’s eyes as she dragged her pony around. Eventually, I recognized the choice of the pony going along with his kid in a peaceful way, with a gentle loop in the lead rope and a soft expression on his face. Finally, I began to see myself, my small body with long legs draped along his sides as he quietly grazed. I could see that I still lead a horse in the same relaxed manner. I could see a soul that came into this world with a love and passion for horses. I need to be with them, learn from them, ride them, teach them. I could finally see and reconnect with that perfectly amazing little girl.

There were phrases from different people and places that reminded me and encouraged me. One phrase from a song by Mary Lambert, She Keeps Me Warm, “I can’t change, even if I tried, even if I wanted to”. This phrase spoke to me originally about my sexuality and owning My Truth. But in this context, on this board, daily, I was reminded of how I came into this world with a love of horses and self. A passion and purpose intertwined with horses; A lifestyle that is lived with horses as teachers, a student, and a trainer. Simply put, a deep connection and purpose of contributing through my love and learning with horses.

Another statement that stood out, “I am enough because I AM”. This phrase has been hard at times for me to resonate with. I have questioned my existence, my purpose, my contribution, and deemed myself unworthy and undeserving. I have attacked my inner voice with ideas and belief systems that said that I haven’t worked hard enough, I haven’t earned success, I haven’t impacted enough lives in a positive way, and that essentially, I am not enough. I chose to say “I am enough because I AM” out loud, daily, and repeatedly. They were just words until they were not. Just an idea and a concept, until those words reached the marrow of my bones. I do not know which day I heard my soul respond from the depths of my being; I just know that she did and said, “yes, yes, you are and always have been”. It was a whisper that first time, but I heard HER, nonetheless. The beauty is that I accepted and embraced her response, her whisper this time, and it became easier to own every second after that.

About 2/3rds of the way through this little experiment, I drove my truck. It had become quite easy by this point to not look at my reflection. It was not hard; I did not wonder how I looked. I could touch my stomach and my muffin top and simply notice how I felt inside and out. I could state that I love and accept my body exactly the way it is and mean it. I have been listening to the work of Clarissa Pinkola Estes, Ph.D., her work in The Joyous Body landed a shot to my perception that I will never forget. She presented the idea that our body is our consort, our never-ending companion on this journey of life. Our body never quits on us, no matter how we treat her. We can underfeed her, limit her sleep, drive her until she collapses, ignore her needs in every way possible, and she keeps going and trying for us until she can no longer. She has my back and continues to rise in honor of my drive and desire. I was reminded that this body that I have not loved or cared for in every way possible provides my journey. I ride a horse through her, I feel a hug through her, I experience pleasure through her – a kiss, a taste of coffee in the morning, the smell of orange blossoms blooming, the sound of birds chirping or horses chewing hay, the sight of my dogs wrestling. I feel sorrow and loss deep in her crevices, I feel the painful reminders of old injuries that linger, it takes a minute for her to get going after I sit for extended periods, I feel laughter and emotion rise up from her belly, and I feel what others feel through her sensory perception that I embody. She is not my enemy that I must manage and abuse into an image or societal norm. She is my companion, my devoted and loyal primary relationship married to my soul on this journey of life. When I embraced the concept of a primary relationship being with my body, everything shifted. She is glorious in every way she has existed. No matter my weight, my drive, my abuse, she has always been there with me, not despite me, with me. I suddenly understood so many things about acceptance and self-care. I recognized that I must treat her with love and dignity, listen when she asks for what she needs, and honor her loyalty and gifts. I must honor her and treat her in all those ways I desire to be honored and treated by a significant other in a relationship. SHE is my primary relationship, and it is up to me to provide all those things to HER, MY body, MY consort.

It came to me Friday morning June 5th that this was the day to uncover the mirror. That evening, before the lunar eclipse, in ceremony, I removed the covering. I anticipated a moment of catharsis I suppose, when seeing my image again in that mirror. That is not what happened. As I began to remove the covering, the quotes, the images. I repeated what was written and looked deeply at the images, including those of myself. In one photo, I was teaching students, and the smile on my face was that of a woman living and being her purpose joyfully. The smile was real, an embodied joyful moment captured without distraction. I could recognize myself in that photo, and looking at the image, I could feel deep inside my soul the peace, joy, and purpose I was living in that moment. I was in my lane and doing my thing. I did not look into the mirror until the covering was fully removed. I was not nervous or excited, just present in the ceremony. When I finally peered into the mirror at my image, I ever so gently saw myself looking back. I saw my laugh lines, my freckles, my slightly crooked smile, the depth of feeling in my eyes. I saw ME. I really saw myself for the first time in I do not know how long, and the face looking back was beautiful and loving.

This experiment started with my horse Cleo and noticing how she embodies her self-identity. She showed me who we are is not our exterior or our perceived flaws. We are inside out. She is the same, you know; she is a soul being that experiences life through her body consort. If that were not true, then all horses, all sentient beings, would be identical. They are not; they are individuals who model living life through their consort and honoring the body’s need to eat, drink, find shade, rest, enjoy companionship without ever knowing what their own reflection looks like. In that teaching, she gave me the opportunity to begin to see myself through her eyes: my true self, my magical self, my loving embodied self. Today and every day forward, I get to choose to support and love my consort, my body. I am choosing to make HER my primary relationship, and in doing so, I will be a better daughter, partner, teacher, student, trainer, speaker, author, storyteller, athlete, and so much more. I will be able to contribute to my community and live my purpose at a deeper and more profound level while leaving love and gratitude in my footprints.

The Mirror

I was looking through some old photos this week and I was reminded of something interesting; I was not a fat kid! I was cute as a toddler and I smiled. I looked like an athlete during my teenage years, a cute feminine tomboy cowgirl. My twenties were not bad either, or my thirties. My weight went up and down like over the years, sometimes I had more muffin top than others, but I never really looked like I remember feeling.

The Wikipedia definition of Body Image – “a person’s perception of the aesthetics or sexual attractiveness of their own body. It involves how a person sees themselves, compared to the standards set by society” (Wikipedia, n.a.).

My body image – overweight, tubby, round, rotund. It is how I think of myself and have for an awfully long time. When I was in grade school, maybe 5^th or 6^th grade, I remember distinctly an engagement with a classmate that brought the idea of being overweight into my awareness. She was teasing me one day in gym class about my mom being “fat”. Now, I never thought of my Mom as being anything other than my Mom. She was not a size 2, she was bigger than some Mom’s and smaller than others. To me they were all just Moms and what was important to me had nothing to do with the size of my Mom. This classmate was saying things intended to be mean and I just kept thinking, “your Mom is bigger than my Mom…”and wondering WTFrick is her problem. Unfortunately, I could not unknow what was introduced to me that day and two things stuck; what it means to be bigger than others and what it feels like to be bullied.

I have gone years without consciously thinking about my weight, mostly because I just accepted that I was bigger. I was an athlete, I was extremely active, I rode horses, I rode my bike through high school, I swam, I didn’t sit still much; from that one moment of discovery, my internal body image became warped and a struggle began.

At the end of 2013 I moved back to the Kansas City area. I have bounced in and out of KC since my college years and it has always felt like home, and my Mom still lives in the area. I moved back from California and had experienced some health bumps that were stress induced while living on the West Coast. My solution was to get out and go home, I ran away to peace and familiar for a reset. After moving back to the Midwest, I became focused on working out again. I had been a runner over the years, not a great distance runner as I am built to be a sprinter, I am all Quarter Horse. I liked running. I had given up running to “save my knees”. I decided I wanted to get really fit again, joined a gym and went to work. It was tough at first and I started in the pool because I had injured my Achilles chasing a horse in boots. Everyday I swam laps, eventually I added lifting to my swimming. After 6 months I started adding time on the treadmill. By the end of the first year I was feeling damn good and running again. When I moved to Florida in 2017, I was working out about 2 hours a day 6 days a week and I looked and felt awesome! Three years later I am not so fit and lean. Work, graduate school full time, going through a breakup, and life have gotten in the way. In 2019 I gave in to chronic heel pain and inflammation and quit running, begrudgingly.

During those last years in KC, I experienced outside validation of how I was feeling on the inside, FANTASTIC! I felt great and I looked good. Honestly, it felt good to receive those compliments. somewhere the switch flipped, and I started paying attention to my weight and body image differently. I went from being focused on being healthy to gradually being focused more and more on looking good. Over the last few years I have dieted and sought the magic formula to staying thin when I have not had the same time to work out. I have done keto, low carb, high protein and so on. I pretended it was about feeling good, but that is only a half-truth, it was more about being thin. I have been running from the belief that I am fat and that equals ugly.

So, I have been struggling with my weight and body image, looking for a way to remove my muffin top because frankly it does not look good in the mirror! I was hanging out with my mare recently and contemplating how my horse perceives herself. My girl is quite confident in who she is, and she has always been a lead mare, head horse in charge no matter the herd. She is never lacking good body image, she eats when hungry, sleeps when tired, rolls as needed, and just lives the life of a horse. She has good days and bad days when it comes to hypervigilance, but she’s pretty damn OK. I was also aware that when I look at her, I never think she looks “bad” no matter her weight. Going into winter she gains which is a normal cycle, I never think she will feel better about herself when spring comes, and she trims down. I look at her and think about what a beautiful being she is. I also realized she never looks in the mirror! She has no relationship with body image that includes her reflection. She simply is who she is. So, I have decided to take on her teaching around body image. I have decided to cover my mirror, I only have one in the house, and I will not intentionally look at my reflection for the next 30 days. Now let us be honest, I do video calls and drive a vehicle, I will see my reflection. The truth is that during those activities I am not focused on myself I am focused on the task at hand. The mirror in the bathroom brings a different experience, it’s where I brush my teeth, see myself naked after showering, and where I notice all the things about my body I don’t like and judge myself critically and harshly.

my mirror, 30 days until uncovering begins…

I have covered my mirror in quotes and mantras. I hope that if I have a giant zit or a bad hair day people will give me a pass, I certainly will not know about it. I want to see myself like Cleo sees herself and me, heart first. I cannot look in the mirror without seeing my flaws. If I were a young horse wanting to bite, the first thing I would do is remove the stimulus. For example, if I were standing to close to a young nibbly horse I would move out of his reach and ignore him, remove the stimulus. By covering my mirror, I am removing the stimulus. Yes, I know I will fixate for a short while about how I might look, but that will pass. So, I will visualize my body and touch my body in a holistic loving way. I will feel my stomach and my rolls, and I will send my body love and acceptance and I will embrace self-love and acceptance. I can say I am enough, now I get to embody being enough.

I have never looked at another woman I was attracted to and thought “I can’t love you because…” Now it is time to give that to myself. This is not a new idea; I knew I was enough as a child and it was domesticated out of me by society and reinforced myself. I guess in simplest terms it is time to return home to my beautiful loving self. My body is my friend, not my enemy and she deserves to be treated with acceptance and respect for all that she has given and will give.